Posted by: Godfångst | February 7, 2009

A Gay President?

eltonI wonder how long it would take the fine citizens of the United States to elect a gay president like Finland has (yes, she is TOO)? Or an *openly* gay president? Consider the possibilities.

I predict that it will probably take a million years now that the Mormons have enough money to amend the constitution of another state and members of other minority groups who should be allied with the gay community happily vote against us in California, which is supposed to be a liberal place.

Well, he or she will have to be a gay unmarried president unless he/she’s from Massachusetts or Connecticut. And anyway, even if s/he is from one of those two states, the moment s/he crosses the state line, s/he will no longer be married. Only one US president remained unmarried during his term, and he was questionable (James Buchanan). Effete and cruel John Tyler and big, warm fuzzy bear Grover Cleveland quickly married once elected. Most of the other presidents were total womanizers, so they probably weren’t gay.

Another cool part of having a gay president would be the enormous potential for slips of the tongue and “unintentionally” offensive statements. Newscasters, world dignitaries from gay-unfriendly or stupid countries, and conservative pundits would have to issue so many apologies that we’d have to devote a special hour of the news to them:

“Next, on the news at 6, diplomatic ties between Italy and the US have been severed after Silvio Berlusconi called President Smith a bulldyke, then claimed he didn’t know it was a bad word, apologized, and replaced it with ‘queer.'”

I don’t think Iran would even talk to us any more if our president were gay, though it might change President Ahmadinejad’s idea that there are no gays in Iran if an openly gay US president dropped by for lunch or for a stern little chat about nuclear warheads and drew a huge, fawning crowd.

“Is that a warhead in your pocket, Mr. Ahmadinejad, or are you just really glad to see me?” would take on a whole new meaning. I think we can all agree that Mr. Bush just didn’t inspire that kind of affection. It should be a source of extreme pride to the gay community that Mr. Bush is probably a ZERO on the Kinsey scale, as he has affection only for Laura, women wearing pasties, Condoleezza Rice, and longhorn steers, which makes him undeniably heterosexual. President Obama’s pretty straight, as far as I can tell; I don’t think Michelle would let him wear pleather, at any rate.

Everyone would naturally assume that the White House would be even more tastefully decorated than it is now, but that’s a stereotype. After all, many gay men did and do embrace the excessive use of Stucco, Nagel prints, pastels, faux fur, leatherette, and the heavy use of mirrors and chrome.

Sure, fashion sense might improve, but the president doesn’t have a lot of wardrobe leeway anyway. And there’s the terrible danger that a lesbian president might ask the presidential barber to give the staff practical, easy-to-maintain hockey haircuts. Fingernails would be neatly trimmed, though I’m sure Hillary’s already are, and she’s definitely not a lesbian.

Cultural life at the White House would benefit. The presidential screening room would feature Late Bloomers, Desert Hearts, The Hunger, and Love on the Side, not to mention episodes of The L Word and Love, Sidney. A gay president may very well encourage baton twirling on the lawn.

And I’m very, very gay, and I know if I were president, I’d want my own squad of cheerleaders. Lots and lots and lots of cheerleaders.

And so, let’s elect a gay president. I’m so sick and tired of the same old crappy presidential scandals. Arms for hostages. Poorly applied hair dye. Closet alcoholism. Garden-variety adultery. Banal criticism of the First Lady’s wardrobe. Stomach-turningly generous corporate bailouts. Oh, and that “killing innocent people” thing.

Let’s give the phrase “in bed with the oil industry” a whole new meaning.

Vote gay in 2016 (give Mr. Obama his 8 years first).

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