Posted by: Godfångst | February 7, 2009

Never the Bride

God Bless the LDSI always thought that I would like to get married someday. It would be one of the great privileges of my life to join it with that of another person, the right person for me, the person of my choice. But now that I’ve been told “the facts” about “traditional” marriage by the Yes on 8 campaign, I’m so grateful that I don’t have to worry about getting married. What a relief!

I guess if I’m honest with myself, I have to admit that I never really expected to find anyone to marry in the first place, so I’m not SO disappointed.

But I also never expected to have a fairly narrow margin of people from my own so-called “liberal” state (52.5% to 47.5%) vote on the validity of my own private choices when I do not get a similar right to vote on theirs. And I won’t even begin with my fellow Californians Britney Spears, who counted one of her marriages in hours; and Angelina Jolie, who gets awfully close to her brother from time to time.

First, I would ask the protectors of traditional marriage to define it. You mean, like biblical traditional? Like King Solomon’s 700 wives and 300 concubines (see: book of Kings)?

Or like…Mormon traditional? They’re the ones who put up all the money for this campaign on the “Yes to the Ban” side, after all. Yes! Let’s spend enough money to feed a million starving people so that we can prevent a couple thousand gay couples from marrying.

And shall we return to the days of “traditional” Mormon marriages, which frequently included one man and at least one woman, before Mormon leaders (wisely) caved to political pressure and eliminated polygamy entirely in the 19th century?

Or are they talking about the 1950’s, one of the only times in American history when “one man and one woman” was paramount as a marriage model?

Maybe they mean the time when “traditional” meant one man and one woman, and included sex with all the mistresses, slaves, teenage servants, and friends of your wife that you could get your hands on?

I love taking “here’s how to be REALLY married” advice from people like Newt Gingrich, who’s been married three times and is a known adulterer.

I love being told that my “lifestyle” is damaging to society by the likes of George W. Bush, who struggled to control his own urge to drink, take cocaine, dance on tables, and womanize. Let’s not even mention the billions of tax dollars he’s spent killing innocent foreigners who happen to wear different headgear from that which we sport in America.

I love hearing Sarah Palin say that I need to be cured when I:

a. Never did become pregnant when I was unmarried and 17, as her own daughter has;
b. Never tried to get my ex-brother-in-law fired illegally;
c. Never failed to notice that Africa is a continent, not a country;
d. Never failed to distinguish between sleazy, pint-sized, ugly, womanizing and adulterous French president Nicolas Sarkozy and a couple of radio personalities from Montreal, which isn’t even in France (though I doubt Palin knows that).

I really am morally corrupt. I don’t deserve to be married. I only hope a kind and loving God can forgive me for being a Girl Scout, helping old ladies across the street, being kind to everyone, never cheating on my girlfriends, doing my job, paying my taxes, stopping at STOP signs, and mowing my neighbor’s lawn when he hurt his back.

I’m so glad that we have a state and a nation full of such morally upright, massively ethical citizens to tell me what to do. Otherwise, I feel sure that I’d fall headlong into a lifestyle of meaningless sex, drug use, and debauchery.

Thanks, California, for preventing me from soiling the precious institution of marriage that you heterosexual people have worked so hard to keep pure.

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