Posted by: Godfångst | February 8, 2009

Lesbian Men

phrancI just heard there are “Lesbian Men” clubs on the internet.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. If you’re not from the United States or Britain, you should know that it’s very common for men in these places to claim that they are lesbians because they, too, love women.

I don’t know if I should thank these men for showing how hard it is to define terms like “heterosexual” and “lesbian” or axe-murder them for making a comparison so ludicrous.

But fine. I am in love with a woman, so does that mean I can claim to be a heterosexual man?

I mean, I have dated at least two women who ended up with men (never mind what that says about me). And, really, I’ve only had romantic relationships with women. Lucky me. So aren’t I really just one of those rare straight men who actually smells good, has fashion sense, lacks body hair, and looks good in a bikini?

If women who love women (or in my case, “woman,” cause I only love one; I’m EXTREMELY picky) qualify as men, does that mean I can visit the men’s restroom? It’s quite a bit less crowded at most clubs I’ve been to.

Can I also then earn one dollar for a dollar’s worth of labor, since as a woman I only earn about 78 cents for every dollar a similarly employed and educated man makes.

Can I run for president and not have the size of my calves criticized? Can I become president at all? Not that I want to–I have a lot of copies of *Vogue* to read. I don’t have time for politics.

Can I walk down the street and not get whistled at, followed, or clicked and chattered at as if I were being observed by a group of hyenas?

Can I assume now that everyone assumes that I know how to fix a refrigerator? (As it happens, I do, and I could do it in 3″ heels. But no one would assume that to look at me.) I have also fixed a dryer, a washing machine, a 1972 VW Beetle, and a series of motorcycles, but that’s another topic for another day.

Do I get to look however I want as I age and still be on the national news or playing leading men? I mean, I love Sean Connery and everything, but he and Michelle Pfeiffer together in *Russia House* was really just too much. Harrison Ford gets to do things that actresses his age don’t get to do, and no one comments on the furrows in his face. Nor does anyone allow a woman with similar furrows to play a TRUE romantic lead. Name one. If I’m the female version of Ewan McGregor, how come he gets to have wrinkles around his eyes, but I don’t?

Do I get to be called “well-dressed” for throwing on a tuxedo? I mean, what could be easier? It’s easier than fucking making toast!

Do I get to run the world incompetently and cruelly, for millennia, and be called a hero eventually, no matter how cruel I was (except slave owners and Hitler, MAYBE)?

Do I get out of ALL household tasks that involve dishwater or the excreta of children?

Do I get sympathy when my hair thins? Or do I just get looked at as sexually irrelevant?

Do they make drugs to increase my sex drive while not making any to increase the corresponding drive in my female partner?

I guess I have to answer NO to all these questions, and about ten thousand more that I didn’t have time to list (I invite you to add them in my Guest Book!).

I guess I’m not a man after all.

And if straight men really are lesbians, I expect them to wear cleaner clothes and take better care of their fingernails. Starting today.

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Responses

  1. I vote for axe murdering. Those guys who claim to be lesbians sound like the kind of people who can’t stand to be left out of anything and can’t imagine anyone would want to exclude them. They are the jerky kid in the neighborhood your mom makes you invite to your birthday party even though you hate him for good reason. They’re that one husband on Real Housewives of Orange County who showed up to a girl’s night out. CREEPY. (I don’t watch that show! I watch The Soup! I swear.)

    I’ve actually seen this kind of behavior coming from people of the majority on issues like race as well. Like if someone says something negative about white men, they get all uppity because there are exceptions to the rule, and isn’t it RACIST that they would make such a generalization?


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