Posted by: Godfångst | February 9, 2009

I Shaved My Legs for THIS?!

When you Google the phrase “happy bride,” you get about 104,000 hits, including Wedding Dress Up: Happy Bride!, which I suspect will get a “cease and desist” letter from Mattel, Inc. any second now, so excuse me if the link’s broken when you try it. By the way, here’s how I dressed up my happy bride:

Just Like J. Lo!

Now Google “bridezilla,” and you get approximately four times that–417,000, to be exact. And on the fascinating Web site Etiquette Hell, you can read seven years’ worth of stories of brides and grooms (the male of the species is called the Groomonster) who really blew it on their Special Day.

Now, as a person with no interest in veils, diamonds, or white satin, I’m the last one to defend the sort of behavior common to Bridezillas. But who can blame your average Jane Bridezilla or Joe Groomonster if s/he isn’t in top form on his or her wedding day? It’s a single day in a couple’s entire lives together. The odds are reasonable that the day will be crappy, traumatic, or…just ordinary.

Today, for example, I lectured my girlfriend unnecessarily, whined, wrote email, ate eggs past their freshness date (okay, only one day!) went sockless for 12 hours, complained about the weather, and watched Family Guy, which I normally would never bother with. If today had been my “Special Day,” the day on which I was being judged as a human being and potential life partner, I’d have been in a whole heap of trouble.

I’m with the Hindus. I think weddings should last an entire week, brides and grooms shouldn’t know each other all THAT well (no arranged spouse can say, “Oh, there he goes AGAIN!”), and everyone should focus mostly on eating and drinking. Then if you screw up one day in seven, as most of us do, no harm done.

If I’m promised some good wine, I won’t even mind if you conduct services in Sanskrit. It might even be best for others not to know exactly what you’re saying, after all.

family caveman guy

Couples don’t remember their vows in English, either: “Chester! You promised to live together after God’s ordinance!” Right. Betcha didn’t know that was part of the traditional wedding vow spiel, did you? Not many people do. No one actually listens, from what I can tell.

The average American couple has $2,000 worth of ring, $800 worth of dress, and $30,000 worth of pressure.

The father/daughter dance, for example. Most fathers have never danced in their lives, let alone in a rented tuxedo whose waistband inhibits blood circulation. Why drag them out on the floor on that most important (and expensive) of days, especially after they may have had four or five glasses of moderately priced champagne, which they’ve paid for. Have a heart! I have a friend whose family paid for her wedding in a lovely country club that her entire clan had never been in and never went to again. In fact, none of her family members had ever been in a country club before that wedding. I know I hadn’t.

himAnd the marriage didn’t last, either.

Las Vegas, where the electrical grid groans under the strain of cooling the casinos–and warming the globe–and the Eiffel Tower is reproduced to scale, marries off 100,000 lucky couples each year and then cheats them out of their first month’s rent at the blackjack tables.

As I find myself saying far too often, “It’s a bad match”: The unfamiliar locales, the booze, the stressful elbow-rubbing with relatives (and sometimes exes), the lack of gay-friendly entertainment content, the ballroom dancing sans training, the uncomfortable outfits, the expectations, that “God’s ordinance” thing…

Sigh. I’d like a plain gold band, a warm, empty beach, bare feet, a cold beer, and the hand of someone who truly loves me.

(Oh, and the right to get (and stay) married in the first place.)

(source: The Association of Wedding Professionals International)
(also see: Dan Savage’s “I Don’t” , courtesy of


  1. What a insightful perception! Wish I had your wittiness in my writings 🙂 Considered sending off some articles to newspapers or mags in the states? I’m sure if you persist you’ll get published 🙂

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