Posted by: Godfångst | March 14, 2009

Let’s Invade Sweden!

charlotteThe English-language Swedish news service that I listen to recently announced that Sweden is virtually unprotected from invasion. Their last direct military conflict was in 1814, and some claim that they’ve really let their military might slide. During the last draft, only about 5,000 people were hooked into military service, and I hear their northern border’s entirely empty except for clouds of mosquitoes. A tip: Don’t invade in July. Besides the mosquitoes, you’ll have to contend with half-naked drunken Swedes who, when you disturb their summer holiday in Norrland, will rush from their saunas and attack you with crayfish forks.

Interestingly enough, Sweden maintains a peacetime draft (unlike the US), though I hear you can get out of it really easily by saying that you hear voices.

That got me thinking: which countries would be most likely to WANT to invade Sweden?

1. Canada. The climates are similar, both enjoy curling, bandy ball and hockey, and moose could roam freely without immigration papers. Wait–aren’t they the same country? Only to Americans, who can’t find either one on the map.

2. Russia. They’re running out of space for their dachas, and they’re used to the snow, so that wouldn’t be an obstacle. Low travel burden between countries.

3. Finland. Everyone knows Finns are tougher, and Swedish stores of black haircolor alone would be enough to tempt them.

4. The US. An invasion of Sweden would really improve our English. We could also harvest their vast supply of Botox.

5. Mexico. Mexicans would definitely be attracted by a vibrant market for drugs and an easy way of keeping beer so cold that you can’t taste how bad it is. To Mexican eyes, Sweden looks like one huge beer cooler, and if they can’t get the US and Canada, they might make a play for Sweden.

6. Austria. It’s their one chance to get on top of Eurovision again.

7. The UK and the Republic of Ireland. Just to return the favor–a dozen centuries later. It might even be the one project they can agree on!

Sweden is totally safe from:

1. Denmark. They can’t even win at football, and who can understand what they’re saying?
2. Norway. Norwegians would have been seriously suspect, but now that there’s no more fish in the North Atlantic, they don’t need that much help in the canning factories.
3. Spain, Greece, Italy, Portugal, or any of the Mediterranean countries, really. Fill catapults with surströmming–that oughta kill them. Or wait until winter. They’ll all die of the cold or kill themselves from the lack of light.
4. The US. Americans wouldn’t be able to find Sweden on a map; hence, an invasion is unlikely.


  1. Canada has already invaded Sweden.

    See: Vancouver Canucks hockey team for proof 🙂

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